Costa Rica

Feeling his presence in a new space

I am in Costa Rica, Playa Potrero Guanacaste to be more precise.  About four months after Max left, we were frantic searching for some sliver of relief.  We quickly decided that we would buy a place here. Eventually, when we were financially and emotionally able to, move here permanently.  We closed in May and have been escaping about every 6 weeks.  I know all the counselors and therapists say that you shouldn’t make any major decisions amid extreme trauma or grief, but we did and while still in this devastating mental state, I do not regret the decision.

Why Costa Rica?  When Max was a sophomore in high school, he had the opportunity to engage in a foreign exchange program.  He had already developed his love of travel and interest in different cultures. He had travelled China with “People to People” and engaged in a cultural experience with classmates to Spain.  I like to believe we helped him learn to love this type of diversity and adventure by participating in our own trips.  It always amazed me that he could choose a place, an adventure and then just go, usually without friends. He met participants and students as he went. He would come home and share everything with us. I felt so much pride in him whenever we waved goodbye at the airport; worry and anticipation as well.  I was hopeful for his experiences.  I couldn’t wait to see him when he returned.  Some of the absolute best times in my life were the moments I saw him walk through the airport gates with that look of complete joy, exhaustion and satisfaction on his face.  Nothing could compare to the embrace we shared, that moment when I could feel safe that he was home, thrilled that he was happy.

The exchange program matched the student with a Costa Rican student and lasted for a few weeks.  Our student was named Erick and I just loved this boy. All of the students were amazing and we were fortunate to house several of them over the trip and attend numerous activities to get to know them better.   I have never met nicer kids.  I loved watching Max practice his Spanish with them, share silly jokes and experiences as only teenagers can.   Max made real friends and experienced relationships that I had hoped would guide him through his life. 

Max spent time in Costa Rica following the visit with Erick.  He stayed with Andre and brought home stories of his adventures in the Spanish school with new friends and families, although I know he kept some adventures to himself. We kept in touch with the kids.  We even brought Erick and Josie back to Buffalo for a re-visit. Matthew and I visited Erick and his family, falling in love with each and every one of his clan.

My next experience with Costa Rica was when I joined a Travel Company to promote Travel Awareness Psychology (TAP). I developed TAP with the owner Terry, who was from Peru and focused on travel to Costa Rica and the rest of Latin America.  We created itineraries that used in-country experiences and excursions to bring visitors through Maslow’s Hierarchy.  I had the pleasure of working with boutique hotels, DMCs, and other in-country travel professionals.  After each of my trips, Max and I would discuss our different perspectives in-country.  He always said my Costa Rica was different than his Costa Rica.  I was in awe of both. When I brought Matthew with me, he too experienced the people and the country in his unique way.  The place was special to all of us.

During that time, I committed to yoga certification training in Santa Teresa.  Max was in college, and he was spending the summer in Cordoba, Argentina in a study abroad program. Matthew went to visit Max and tour the area. When I completed the training, I met them both there and we spent the week exploring during the day and listening to Max’s stories of his work over dinner at night. His eyes lit up when he mentioned the other students in his group. Max spoke so lovingly about the kids he had worked with and supervised. I thought maybe he would work with kids in the future. He knew their poverty and challenges but saw them experience real happiness and hope through their relationships.  I know he felt a sense of fulfillment and love from these kids.

I remember the three of us going to get me a coat.  It was warmer in Santa Teresa, and I was cold in Cordoba. Always cold Max would chuckle. Max took us to a local shopping center, and he picked out this beautiful blue green coat that was furry but light. It touched me when he would choose things that he felt I would like.  I went to check out and the salesclerk only spoke Spanish.  I could not understand her.  Max looked at me smiling and encouraged me to try – said I could do this. I couldn’t.  He spoke, flirted with, the adorable salesgirl and they laughed.  It was so lighthearted and easy.  Of course, he took care of the transaction, and we left, me feeling proud of my son and he with his arm around my shoulders reaffirming that he would take care of me here.  

Max loved each country he visited in Latin America.  Oddly Costa Rica was the only one we did not experience together.  We had visited him in Cordoba and Medellin but never in Costa Rica.  We talked about planning a trip with him and his girlfriend this past December. Thought about glamping in Uvita or a resort in Arenal. But he left us before we could continue that plan.  It is so sad that I will never be here physically with my family, with his future family.  There is no future family and it’s just Matt and I now.  I tell myself we are here, all three of us together just not the way I had wanted.  It is small consolation but helps.  Sometimes when I am here, I can almost hear him smiling.

I have a different routine while in Costa Rica.   In Buffalo, I wake up in tears and pain.  My body hurts with longing for him.  My chest is constantly heavy, my limbs ache.  I usually get out of bed slowly, feed our dogs, sit at my laptop to view photos of Max, drink coffee, pretend I will be better and start to work. Here I feel I am freer.  I can breathe.  I wake up early – very early.  I meditate and ask Max to stay with me.  I sit outside listening to howler monkeys and birds.  Matthew and I walk to the beach and maybe get fresh bread at our favorite bakery.  I do yoga.  I write.  We talk and cry about Max.  We acknowledge the depth of our grief and our fear of continuing without him.  We sit in silence. I spend some time during the day working, speaking with clients or holding virtual meetings.  It takes me back to Buffalo but I seem better able to compartmentalize.  I can leave a meeting and go for a long walk, pretending he is with me and we are ok.

I don’t know why it is so very different here for me.  Friends tell me it is the weather or the lack of responsibilities.   I don’t feel that is it.  I feel he is here.  This is where he will wait for me to see him someday. The distractions are thinner, and the noise is gone when I am here.  Of course, the extreme loss and sadness remain.  I cry with my whole body but it feels lighter somehow.   

Although financially we are not ready to retire and move here permanently, emotionally we are ready.  The pain of driving down the streets we drove down together, running into friends (ours and his) and ultimately living the life we lived together without our Max, is just too difficult. I can no longer breathe in Buffalo, because I am no longer a whole person in my home, or with my friends.  I feel like I now have a past life – one that was full and energizing and rich.  This must be a new life.  It will not be what I wanted or as cherished as the past life but I don’t have much choice. This is life without Max… then I think maybe this is the life that helps me find Max again.  A life that can be ok, holding him just in my heart not in my arms.

I will be back in Buffalo too soon.  Maybe I can start to pack up the house .. it is no longer a happy home. Our next trip back will be in December, marking one year without our baby.

Max shopping for me, Max with his "kids" in Cordoba, My view at Playa Flamingo Costa Rica