Thank you Tina. Your differation between sadness and suffering is precisely how I feel. I did think I was escaping but I am working on changing my perspective to see it more as a way to connect deeper with Max and release the suffering from being at "home". Somehow it helps to know that I am not the only one who has to move from a cherished place. I see how your RV travels are doing just what we are doing with Costa Rica. I miss him so very much.
Bonnie, I can relate to your feelings here. We have also left the town that was home. We traveled all over the country with Kiki when she was growing up, and now we're currently in one of her favorite places for several months.
I feel connected to her here. My mind is mostly at peace. The sadness is just as intense but the suffering is less. I am not in agony all the time like I am back in NH.
"The distractions are thinner and the noise is gone." That's how I feel too.
I take long walks on the beach and talk to her. I feel like I am able to continue our relationship here, rather than being mired in the past and the old life we can no longer have.
We had already sold our house a couple of years before Kiki died, so we didn't have that hurdle to ge over. But all our stuff is still in storage in our hometown, and our friends are there. Yet the two times we've been back in the last 18 months have been torture for me.
It's not that travel is an escape, it's that I feel more available to connect with Kiki's spirit, enjoy my memories of her, and be released from the suffering that seems to descend when I return to our former home. I really relate to your choice to be in Costa Rica. We have done something similar with our RV travels. I don't think it's a choice everyone necessarily understands but that's ok.
Tina, your reply feels like a bookend to mine. So grateful to Bonnie, for her addressing of this. As you said the, “the sadness is just an intense but the suffering is less.” That’s it. The few times I have returned to Utah it is as if bubbles of suffering float to the top surrounding me and I cannot “pop” them all nor do I desire to. Feeling our children in the places we are now. 🙌🏼 🪶
Bonnie, what a beautiful decision to make. No one can understand nor can they know what is going to be healing for us. We too left all the familiar in Utah to move to Maui. A place where we were not looked upon with eyes of pity and could choose to blend in and share our story when prompted to. It was the best decision for us and Douglas is here, he approves whole heartedly and the warmth, vibrancy of colors, the ocean 🌊 create our daily communion with one another. Good for you and get sifting, sorting and packing. We acted as if for five years before we could retire and make it happen, yet visited frequently and knew. I’m smiling with and for you, Bonnie. Gentle and loving care as you feel your Max in CR and I asked Douglas to assist me with all the “stuff.” I think he loved it. We have to find our pockets of peace and I’m elated you have found yours. No one needs to understand “why?” As a sister in loss I get it with a full body YES. 🙌🏼 Keep us posted and having this plan, a destination helped soften some of the harshness in Utah, may you feel it in Buffalo too. I trust that you will. 💜🪶
Joanie thank you. It is encouraging to hear you have found some peace in Maui and can be with Douglas. One of my favorite trips was when we took young Max to Maui...him getting caught in the ocean waves and loosing his swim trunks,swimming next to a giant turtle, or even when he turned green during a helicopter ride. My Max is closer when I am at the ocean - I can almost feel him sitting with me in the sand or floating on the waves. We used to love to do that. It is odd how I can feel the difference between compassoin and pity in our friends/acquaintance. The pity scratches, where the compassion help is soothing. Right now I am trying to stay in the moment and not dread the trip back to Buffalo.
Thank you Tina. Your differation between sadness and suffering is precisely how I feel. I did think I was escaping but I am working on changing my perspective to see it more as a way to connect deeper with Max and release the suffering from being at "home". Somehow it helps to know that I am not the only one who has to move from a cherished place. I see how your RV travels are doing just what we are doing with Costa Rica. I miss him so very much.
Bonnie, I can relate to your feelings here. We have also left the town that was home. We traveled all over the country with Kiki when she was growing up, and now we're currently in one of her favorite places for several months.
I feel connected to her here. My mind is mostly at peace. The sadness is just as intense but the suffering is less. I am not in agony all the time like I am back in NH.
"The distractions are thinner and the noise is gone." That's how I feel too.
I take long walks on the beach and talk to her. I feel like I am able to continue our relationship here, rather than being mired in the past and the old life we can no longer have.
We had already sold our house a couple of years before Kiki died, so we didn't have that hurdle to ge over. But all our stuff is still in storage in our hometown, and our friends are there. Yet the two times we've been back in the last 18 months have been torture for me.
It's not that travel is an escape, it's that I feel more available to connect with Kiki's spirit, enjoy my memories of her, and be released from the suffering that seems to descend when I return to our former home. I really relate to your choice to be in Costa Rica. We have done something similar with our RV travels. I don't think it's a choice everyone necessarily understands but that's ok.
Really appreciate your writing on this topic.
Tina, your reply feels like a bookend to mine. So grateful to Bonnie, for her addressing of this. As you said the, “the sadness is just an intense but the suffering is less.” That’s it. The few times I have returned to Utah it is as if bubbles of suffering float to the top surrounding me and I cannot “pop” them all nor do I desire to. Feeling our children in the places we are now. 🙌🏼 🪶
Yes Joanie! Those bubbles are choking me. Thank you.
Bonnie, what a beautiful decision to make. No one can understand nor can they know what is going to be healing for us. We too left all the familiar in Utah to move to Maui. A place where we were not looked upon with eyes of pity and could choose to blend in and share our story when prompted to. It was the best decision for us and Douglas is here, he approves whole heartedly and the warmth, vibrancy of colors, the ocean 🌊 create our daily communion with one another. Good for you and get sifting, sorting and packing. We acted as if for five years before we could retire and make it happen, yet visited frequently and knew. I’m smiling with and for you, Bonnie. Gentle and loving care as you feel your Max in CR and I asked Douglas to assist me with all the “stuff.” I think he loved it. We have to find our pockets of peace and I’m elated you have found yours. No one needs to understand “why?” As a sister in loss I get it with a full body YES. 🙌🏼 Keep us posted and having this plan, a destination helped soften some of the harshness in Utah, may you feel it in Buffalo too. I trust that you will. 💜🪶
Joanie thank you. It is encouraging to hear you have found some peace in Maui and can be with Douglas. One of my favorite trips was when we took young Max to Maui...him getting caught in the ocean waves and loosing his swim trunks,swimming next to a giant turtle, or even when he turned green during a helicopter ride. My Max is closer when I am at the ocean - I can almost feel him sitting with me in the sand or floating on the waves. We used to love to do that. It is odd how I can feel the difference between compassoin and pity in our friends/acquaintance. The pity scratches, where the compassion help is soothing. Right now I am trying to stay in the moment and not dread the trip back to Buffalo.